Category: Uncategorized

Even if you’re no longer together, positive co-parenting is important for children and their longer-term wellbeing. Clinical Psychologist and Child Psychotherapist, Dr Hazel Douglas MBE, shares her thoughts on resolving conflict when you live separately. 

Separation is never easy—especially when children are involved.  Co-parenting after a breakup can stir up deep emotions for everyone involved. But the importance of being able to work together to parent your children remains paramount and will help nurture their emotional health as they grow into adulthood. Despite it being hard, it is possible to co-parent positively, even in the face of big feelings. From my experience working with families, I’ve put together some thoughts which you may find helpful when beginning your journey into co-parenting.

1. Understanding your own emotional health

Before anything, it’s vital to check in with yourself. Experiencing conflict with a former partner can easily trigger all sorts of big feelings, including anger, sadness, grief or guilt. Don’t underestimate these big feelings and their impact on your emotional health. The key is to process these feelings in a healthy way.

This is where finding a trusted adult is important, someone who can provide a containing experience that will help restore your capacity to think. This may be one of your adult friends, a family member, a therapist or counsellor. Someone who you feel comfortable sharing how you are feeling with, who can feed back in manageable chunks what you have shared. This process of containment can help you see that, ‘If someone else understands my worry then it must be understandable. If it is understandable then I can begin to understand it and maybe manage it myself’. Which is a really positive place to approach co-parenting from.

However, it’s important not to place this responsibility on your child, even if they seem mature or curious. Children are not equipped to process adult relationship issues, and expecting them to ‘contain’ your pain, consciously or not, can blur parental-child boundaries and could lead to increasing their anxiety.

Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup! So being well supported by a network of friends and family to process your own feelings can help you be more resilient and compassionate for your child.

However, even if you personally feel devastated and even if it’s difficult, it’s important to keep a space in your mind for being a parent.

2. Restoring communication

Sometimes, co-parenting starts from a place where no communication is present or even seems possible.  You are likely to have many issues with each other. But you are both still parents to your children. You may have lost your relationship as a couple, with all the feelings that will involve, but you are still co-parents. So, in the midst of very strong feelings, how can you both manage to communicate with each other so that you can parent your children? Here are a few practical suggestions for opening up communication:

• Avoid the temptation to blame, use sarcasm or language that could have double meanings when speaking or texting. Instead, neutral, clear language can help communication remain practical without stirring emotions.
• Don’t focus on the history between you. Instead, try to keep communication about practical topics. For example, schedules, needs and logistics about picking up children from school or who they’re staying with on which weekend.
• Sometimes ad-hoc communication can cause further difficulties. Instead, try to agree on a set day and time you check in with each other over the phone or text, which can help you both avoid those unexpected flare-ups.
• Don’t leave communication to chance. Instead, try to agree early on about key routines, such as who has the child when, how holidays are handled, and how you’ll communicate with schools or doctors. Writing these down can also prevent misunderstandings in the future.

In situations where emotions feel strong, you may find it helpful to ask yourself: ‘What’s best for my child right now?’. This can help reframe the situation back to the goal both you and your former partner want.

3. Seeing it from your child’s perspective

Whilst you may still be processing the separation yourself, it can be helpful to imagine how your child might be feeling.  The age and stage of your children will impact where they are in their emotional development, however, it is common for children to internalise conflict, even if it’s not spoken aloud. Some children report that they feel they are to blame or are torn between loyalty to both parents. For your child, whatever their age, big feelings like sadness, grief or anger can be difficult for them to process without a connected, safe relationship with a trusted adult.

Some practical ideas might look like:

• Helping them name their feelings: Talk to your child about how they might be feeling. For example, saying ‘I wonder if you feel sad?’. Even if you get the feeling wrong, it provides a scaffold to help them process and understand the difference between emotions.
• Reassuring them: Reminding your child that the separation was not their fault is crucial. It is important to also remind them that they are still deeply loved by both of you.
• Keeping routines consistent: Children respond well to consistent and predictable routines, which help create feelings of safety. Try to implement the same routine across both homes to increase that sense of stability.

Ultimately, it is helpful to remember that your child doesn’t need you to be perfect—they need you to be present.

4. Supporting your child when you feel fragile

You don’t have to hide your emotions, but you do need to manage them thoughtfully. Children benefit from seeing their parents cope in healthy ways. For example, it’s okay to say ‘I’m feeling a bit sad today, but I’m okay, and I know things will get better’ models emotional resilience. You name your feelings, modelling how they can do the same.

Other ways to support your child can include:

• Creating space for connection: You can find simple ways to bond and strengthen your relationship, like bedtime stories, walks or cooking your favourite meal together.
• Take care of yourself: As I have mentioned before, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Ensuring your own emotional health and emotional needs are being met through therapy, support groups, or friends and family is a massive win. It also helps you be emotionally available for your child when they need it.
• Use external supports: It doesn’t have to rest solely on you. For example, your child’s school may have school counsellors they can talk to when things feel overwhelming.

5. Where to turn for support

You don’t have to navigate co-parenting alone. There are many charities and services that support separated families:

• Gingerbread: offers resources and support for single parents, including legal advice and community forums.
• Family Lives: provides a helpline and online resources for parents managing separation and co-parenting.
• Relate: offers family counselling and mediation services to improve communication between separated partners.
• OnePlusOne: resources for separated parents, focusing on conflict resolution and effective communication.
• YoungMinds: supports the mental health of children and offers advice for parents worried about their child’s wellbeing.

Final thought

Positive co-parenting doesn’t mean you have to erase the past or be best friends with your former partner. It means showing up—for your child, for yourself—with kindness, structure, and emotional awareness. Your child is watching, learning how to handle conflict, love, and resilience, which I know can feel like a worrying thing! Don’t hold yourself back by thinking about all the what ifs. Instead, make the best decision for your children and family, with the information you have available at the time. By taking care of your own wellbeing and committing to peaceful co-parenting, you’re setting them up to thrive as adults.