Adolescence – it’s the second most rapid period of brain development after those early months as a baby. Rewiring in the brain and all those new hormones surging means chaos for young boys trying to navigate school pressures, friendships, sexuality and their identity or role in society. Emotions are felt much more strongly than at any other time in their lives and these biological changes have much to do with the risk taking, erratic behaviour and angry outbursts commonly associated with teenage boys, as well as throwing off their previous sleep patterns.
Why is adolescence so hard for boys?
Adolescence can be hard for everyone. The body and brain is reprogramming and developing in adolescence as part of the transition to adulthood. For boys in a modern society where health inequalities are widening, children are more likely to have a smartphone than a father living at home, and those smartphones are feeding porn, extremism and 24/7 exposure… the environment is not designed to nurture.
It’s also typical in adolescence to become much more acutely aware of identity, of peers, of differences and of judgement (again thanks to the rewiring in the brain). And the emotions associated can be felt exceptionally strongly. But if boys are raised to be brave, resilient, stoic, strong, physical, ‘masculine’, without being emotionally aware, it can be difficult for them to express the more complicated feelings of anxiety, jealousy, anger or shame. It’s common to see them begin to mask or withdraw from emotional expression and then ‘explode’ in episodes, seemingly unprovoked.
Why do emotional skills matter?
Emotional awareness, an ability to understand our wellbeing and process difficult experiences and feelings can help protect us from mental illness. Indeed, research shows that emotional wellbeing is also connected to physical health.
When it comes to anger, rage, and dealing with conflict, emotional intelligence can also keep us safe. And others too.
The ability to calm ourselves in challenging situations and in the middle of big emotions is a skill learnt in childhood, from early infant and toddler outbursts and throughout our interactions with adults as we grow through childhood, we learn about processing our emotions. Most of us are at our most violent when we are toddlers, but those around us help us to manage and process our strong feelings. This is resilience.
How are emotional skills learnt?
In relationships. We learn about appropriate ways to express ourselves, what challenges us and soothes us in our relationships. And for most young people this comes from parents or caring relationships: how they help us manage our feelings, what they tell us about what’s right and wrong and also through what we observe.
“Parents model emotional care in their behaviour (how they react, how they interact, how they say sorry or make amends in their mistakes, how they express love) and it’s significant in shaping their young people.”
Processing big or difficult emotions is most effective in a relationship too – talking through feelings, recognising them, understanding them, helps integrate them rather than ignoring them and stops them from becoming overwhelming.
I have worked with others for many years to increase access to knowledge and evidence for raising emotional wellbeing and we have produced a series of online courses or ‘pathways’ for parents to learn about development and help tune in to teach skills that will set their young people up to thrive in this challenging world they’re inheriting. Take a look, I hope you find something helpful.
Emotional health for an autistic child or young person – just like any child – is nurtured through relationships, feeling heard, understood, accepted. These are the foundations for emotional health for all of us in fact. And in turn, emotional health is the foundation for learning, education, functioning and progressing well through life. You can’t learn if all your energy is taken up with struggling to get through the day or dealing with crippling anxiety.
How can parents help their autistic child thrive?
So being a the parent of an autistic child means throwing out the rule book, not holding yourself to the same norms and standards as might be appropriate for normative or neuro-typical parenting. It means learning, listening and really tuning in to what your unique individual child needs.
Yes all children need boundaries, actually did you know that boundaries can often make children feel safe, cared for, held? But they may need to be negotiated a bit differently around autistic children and young people. With more flexibility, agility and creativity especially when navigating the usual expectations of nursery, primary school, secondary school, college, etcetera.
The importance of support for parents
In order to really listen and validate children’s feelings and experiences, parents of autistic children need plenty of space for thinking in their own mind, and to create that space you too need to feel heard, validated, ‘contained’ and supported. So taking moments for yourself, sharing how you’re doing with others are so important. So look after yourself and reach out so that you have enough in the tank to pour into your relationship with your wonderful, differently-abled young person.
Understanding your child with additional needs
If you would like to learn more about your child’s stages of development and how to support them to thrive in everyday life our online learning pathway, Understanding your child with additional needs, is a useful tool for understanding the world they inhabit.
With 14 stages covering topics from reading behaviours, importance of sleep and developing communication it is accessible 24/7 on Togetherness.
Our pathway voiceover means you have the option to learn by reading or listening to suit your preferred learning style. And with the benefits of being online, you can learn at a pace that suits you in the privacy of your own home.
Research by Ofcom suggests that nine in 10 children own a mobile phone by the time they reach the age of 11, and there is increasingly a blurred boundary between life online and the ‘real world’ for children*.
When is the right time to give your child a phone, and how can you ensure that they are safe from harm when you do?
Mark Mitchell, Head Teacher at Balsall Common Primary, suggests setting early boundaries is key. He says: ‘The smartphone isn’t theirs. They didn’t buy it. They’re not able to run the contract on it, but you can be very generous and lend it to them. That means that it remains your property, so you know the passwords, and you know there are times when they should have their phone and when it’s time for them not to have their phone.
“Stay in control. Think about how you’re going to give that device because once you’ve given it and you’ve set those things in place, it’s quite hard to retreat to a different viewpoint.”
Mr Mitchell also talks about setting positive examples and recognising how children can mirror parents’ behaviour on phones – of course, this can both be positive and negative!
‘Obviously, smartphones open up a whole new realm of access to our time and one of the things that causes anxiety, in my experience with children, is the fear of missing out. That’s why social media can become so invasive, and it’s really important to have times, therefore, where that goes away.
There is a time to put it aside. Of course, perhaps we need to model that to them – and that can be hard!’
For many parents who didn’t have their own smartphone until an older age, this can be a complex and worrying area. Therefore, it can be helpful to take time to reflect on the advantages and risks of phones and opening up access to online platforms.
School advice: Contact your child’s school for additional advice, resources and information about online safety and local policies
To learn more about children’s emotional health and how you can support them as a parent or grandparent, you can follow online learning pathways tailored to age and accessible through our pathway library. The following might be particularly helpful:
Thinking about how to talk to your child about events in the news?
There are times when the events in the news can cause children to have lots of questions about what’s going on in the outside world, beyond their front door.
As parents, we instinctively want to protect our children from harm or upset which can make having these conversations feel really tricky to handle. But it’s important that we do talk about them if our children ask us so that we can support them to process what are often big feelings for them, however old they are, and for us too.
Here are a few things to remember in navigating hard conversations:
1. Listening to your child is really important.
Giving your child the time to express themselves and help them name those feelings and unpack them with them can really help. For example, saying something like: ‘I wonder if you might be feeling…’ or ‘It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling worried, scared, confused’. ‘Where do you feel that feeling in your body? Does your tummy hurt? Does your heart beat faster?’
2. Remember, you don’t actually need to fix it for them or even to think of something clever to say to make it better.
Just listening and showing that you understand is in itself so powerful. You can even feed back to them their own thoughts and share any guesses you have about their feelings because doing this in chunks can make the thoughts and emotions feel more manageable.
3. Once they feel heard and understood, they may then be receptive to taking on your thoughts and views about the situation.
You will be able to choose what to say and how to say it once you’ve taken the time to be curious about and understand what is going on in their mind. This is the moment to share your experience, your pearls of wisdom, if you feel that would be helpful.
4. Another idea is to look for the helpers.
There are always people willing to help and drawing attention to these in news items can offer some balance to the idea, the reality, that terrible things happen. The world is full of kindness too, even if it doesn’t seem that way, if you just look for it.
5. You can play an instrumental role in helping your child understand the difference and distinguish between fact and rumours or unverified information.
So model being curious, observant and even unsure – taking the time to think things through from different viewpoints.
6. And finally, look after your own emotional health too.
It’s not a good idea to use these conversations with your child to unburden yourself. As a parent, you may also need support – containment – when things scare or upset you in the news, so it is important to have close friends or family members that you feel comfortable turning to to explore your own thoughts and worries.
Addressing what your child may be feeling instead of avoiding these conversations or minimizing them can help them develop into emotionally healthy adults and builds their resilience throughout life. For more information and ideas on how to support your family’s emotional health, our online learning pathways on Togetherness are available online 24/7.
Understanding your own trauma
If you feel you have been impacted by the events unfolding around the UK over the past few weeks, it is important to know there are places to seek support.
Our online pathway for adults, Understanding your own trauma, is a useful tool for recognising, understanding and processing trauma. With 11 stages, covering topics from what we mean by ‘trauma’ to understanding our own feelings to recovery from trauma, it is accessible 24/7 on Togetherness.
Our pathway voiceover means you have the option to learn by reading or listening to suit your preferred learning style. And with the benefits of being online, you can learn at a pace that suits you, in the privacy of your own home.
Parenting a sensitive child and how to ensure a smooth transition to secondary school
Parenting: How to
17 May 2024
Dr Rebecca Johnson
Things to look out for and why it’s OK to seek additional needs support
Has your child been ‘just about coping’ with the last few terms, or even years, of primary school having had a few ups and downs socially? Maybe they had a bit of a bumpy ride with certain teachers, or school trips have thrown up unexpected challenges? Perhaps they struggle to identify feelings? Do they have an exceptionally good memory or a fantastic capacity for holding a grudge?
Maybe you’ve been hoping that secondary school will be the answer to all these problems. You may be thinking they need a bigger pool in which to find ‘their people’ they’ve outgrown primary and just need a new challenge. Maybe you’re worried about how they are going to cope without their trusted teacher relationships looking out for them, making sure they’re ok and letting you know at pick-up.
If your child is about to transition to secondary school, then you may well be having thoughts along these lines. This is an exciting and potentially anxiety-provoking time in any child’s life. Some children are naturally more sensitive, and some might be more sensitive due to their circumstances (perhaps other disruptions or changes are affecting their wellbeing), and, for these children, additional support and consideration can make a big difference. Understandably, you might avoid specialist support or content labelled as being for additional needs, but while the bracket may not be accurate, you might still find them helpful.
“Even if you don’t feel that neurodivergence is a relevant concept for your child, it might be worth looking at some of the support and advice for that group anyway, especially if they are a bit more sensitive or have had a difficult experience through perhaps loss or trauma.”
What are additional needs anyway? And what is meant by ‘neurodivergence’?
The word ‘diversity’ describes variations between everyone, by definition, so in some ways, there isn’t a hard line between those with and those without ‘additional needs’. Some children just need a bit of additional consideration.
In addition, some children who do pretty well in primary school, where their needs are accommodated more easily and subtly, later go on to be identified as having additional needs. Since the move to secondary school will mean leaving that favourite teacher, for example, who ‘gets’ them and gives them enough of a sense of security to feel safe and seen.
Maybe you think of your child as a bit more sensitive than others. You may even have told a few people they are sensitive to certain physical sensations or sounds. Maybe you noticed a different pain threshold than your own. Perhaps you think of them as having the odd quirk. You may have even considered whether they could be described as neurodiverse but dismissed the idea because they don’t fit the profile entirely.
The understanding of autism and other patterns of neurodivergence has rapidly evolved in recent years, so just because the stereotypes don’t fit (not all autistic children line up their toys!) doesn’t mean this might not be a helpful way of understanding your loved one’s skillset and way of experiencing the world. Girls especially (and some boys), for example, may have a more internal presentation of autism, which is worth being aware of.
There are as many variations in the human brain (‘neuro’-diversity) as in the wider natural world (‘bio’-diversity). Neurodivergence, on the other hand, describes patterns which diverge from the majority. It typically encompasses ADHD, autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and so on. A ‘neurodivergent’ person, for example, may be disabled by a society organised around neurotypical needs and ways of functioning, which is why a diagnosis can be helpful; it can validate and help make sense of the person’s experience, as well as guide those around them on how to offer appropriate support.
“Beardon and others have said, ‘Autism + environment = outcome.’ Moving up means a big change to the environment, which can, therefore, lead to a different outcome.”
Diversity is to be valued and environments adjusted to support emotional wellbeing and development. Neurodivergence varies greatly from person to person and can also be more or less recognisable at different times from early years to adulthood, depending on the environment. This goes some way to explaining why diagnoses are often made later in life, particularly for girls and women.
Challenges in later primary school years and secondary education
Many neurodiverse people describe ‘masking’ as consciously or unconsciously mimicking neurotypical behaviours to fit in and cope with social expectations. This becomes more difficult (and draining) as children grow, their environment changes, and the nature of peer relationships inevitably develops, too. The increased social demands and academic pressures of schools are naturally more challenging. They may lead to overt signs that they are overwhelmed or struggling, such as meltdowns, shutdowns, and ‘burn-out’ and may lead to other mental health crises.
“I went through my primary school years knowing that my mind worked very differently to those that surrounded me, knowing that I was experiencing life on a much more viscerally confusing level than my peers and yet – I could find no explanation or term for this. I was the child playing with the younger children/years because my classmates could not understand me, I was the child laughed at and mocked by a few of my teachers, and I was the child who was so much more deeply affected by matters such as insults intended as humorous remarks. Most importantly, I was the child with such a strong sense of justice and equality – and I could not understand why those I was growing up around didn’t see things the same way.”
Understanding your child’s individual communication style and emotional needs, regardless of how their brain and body are wired, can help you develop the right approach and support for them and hopefully prevent things from deteriorating into a crisis later on. So, when your child is a bit more sensitive, and you find yourself wanting to give additional consideration to their ‘moving up’ transition, trust your instincts and don’t be put off by labels on resources for additional needs.
Togetherness has been created to provide a reflective space for parents to do just this. We’ve designed e-learning to introduce some ideas around relationships and emotional wellbeing. We won’t tell you what to do, but we provide helpful research, theory ideas and insights from experienced professionals as well as from parents so that you can work out the best approaches for you and your family.
And for you
Parental self-care is really important. Looking after your wellbeing will ensure you’re best equipped to proactively seek the proper support, advocate for your child’s needs, and continue your learning journey. Togetherness is your place for reflecting on yourself too!
Starting a new school can be a daunting experience for any child. They must navigate the complexities of separation, independence, and building new relationships. As parents, it’s natural to want to shield our children from any discomfort or anxiety they may feel during this transition. However, normal fears and worries accompany each stage of development. Our role as parents is not to dismiss these feelings but to help our children cope and grow through them.
Adolescence, particularly, is a time of exploration and self-discovery. It’s a period when children begin to assert their independence, separating from their parents to find their own path. Starting a new school can amplify feelings of uncertainty and apprehension as they step into the unfamiliar. Although changing, parent relationships remain most important for providing the safe space children need to express their fears without judgment or criticism.
One concept that can be particularly helpful in supporting children through times of emotional upheaval is containment. Containment involves helping a person manage their emotions, such as anger or guilt, so they don’t become overwhelmed. It’s about holding onto those feelings and giving them back in a way that’s manageable and bearable. As parents, we can serve as ‘containers’ for our children’s emotions but in order to do so we may also need to talk through our worries with another adult so we can be fully open to hearing and supporting our child. After all, their worries are often different.
Some ideas to help with those important conversations:
Make time: Take time to make sure you are both fully engaged, feeling calm and not distracted
Ask openly with interest: Try open, prompting questions like ‘I wonder if you’re feeling a bit worried about…’ or ‘Is there anything you’d like to know more about or understand better about…’
Listen actively: Repeat back what you’re hearing to check you’ve understood and help your child articulate what they really mean
All feelings are welcome: Recognise that it’s OK and normal to feel different emotions and validating ‘difficult’ feelings can be really helpful and builds resilience and confidence (this goes for adults too!)
Connect with others: Encourage your child to talk to their peers as well as family and other friends to help them explore their emotions and feel more prepared
Think calmly: Introducing techniques such as deep breathing and mindfulness might be helpful for keeping calm when you’re not with them. When we feel calm, we can make decisions more easily and take control of situations. You’ll find lots of other practical tips in our online learning courses for parents!
How to talk to your child about the climate crisis
Parenting: How to
29 November 2023
Dr Rebecca Johnson
Campaigning can take many forms
What kinds of connections with people, nature or animals made you most contented as a child? When I was a kid, I was lucky enough to live in a house with a garden. I used to spend a lot of time in an overgrown strip along the side of it, in a made-up world involving imaginary forests and horses. How about you? Did you get to spend time outside when you were little?
When I became a parent, it bought the future into sharp relief. There’s nothing like realising your child will (hopefully) live to see 2100, and that their kids might see the middle of the next century, to make you realise that talk of scary ‘future’ events and calamities are almost certainly going to shape their lives in a really significant way, even if they don’t directly shape ours (which by the way they will, if they are not already).
“Climate anxiety, far from being a mental health disorder, is a rational response to a very real and knotty problem.”
In a survey of over 10,000 young people aged 16-25 around the world, 84% were worried about climate change and this was partly due to inaction by adults in general and governments in particular. Of 2000 8-16 year olds, 74% say they are worried about the state of the planet according to a 2020 survey for BBC Newsround.
So, as a 21st century parent, how can we respond to our children’s questions, anxieties, even anger, about how the grown-ups have let it get to this?
Start with listening
As with all feelings expressed by our kids (e.g., about friends, exams, schools etc.) it is helpful to feel heard. So, although it is tempting to reassure them that everything is ok, it is super important to listen and to validate their feelings and thoughts.
Containment is the process of deeply listening and allowing the person to express their feelings, naming them and showing the other person they can be thought about and tolerated. It is one of the core theories you meet when you learn with the Solihull Approach, which provides a framework for understanding emotions, behaviours and relationships.
To be able to listen, we need to feel reasonably contained ourselves. Things are now so dire with the climate and ecological systems that some disconnect and denial is inevitable, otherwise how would we function, especially with all the other challenges life throws at us, right?
The challenge is in turning towards and processing our own feelings for long enough to be able to engage. Disconnection, after all, is what has got us into this mess. It can be hard to really listen to our children’s fears. As mums and dads, we are meant to soothe, fix and make it better.
It can be helpful to remind children and young people (and ourselves) that there are lots and lots of adults working really hard on this problem behind the scenes. But this is the most complicated and difficult problem ever faced. Ever.
COP28, which started this week, is one part of a big puzzle. It is not going to be enough to avoid big changes in our lives. But as we head into an uncertain future, engagement from every sector and every profession is needed, as well as from citizens and consumers and politicians. Therefore, we can all do our bit. Not to fix, but to slow, respond, adapt and evolve.
So, what can we do? I’ll get onto the practical stuff in a moment. First, let’s not underestimate the softer skills we teach as parents: listening to our children, teaching them how to negotiate, share with each other, helping them to notice the needs of other humans and non-humans (plants, trees, animals, rivers etc.) and to see themselves as being in a reciprocal relationship with these things, recognising the interconnectivity of everything.
When my kids fell out with each other when they were little, I used to make them say ‘sorry for….’ to encourage them to acknowledge their part. And the other person had to say, ‘that’s ok’. But only when they were ready. Known in psychological and neurological science as ‘rupture and repair’.
These qualities are crucial in resilient communities, who can pull together and work cooperatively to deal with whatever scarcity or disaster comes their way.
What can we practically do?
What about the practical things parents can do with their children? Just like parenting, it is not a one size fits all approach. Joanna Macy is a campaigner, deep ecologist and systems theorist, now in her nineties. In her body of work, called the Work that Reconnects, Macy describes three strands in the story of the Great Turning. Find what is right for you and your family. All are necessary, so there is something for everyone. Being active is deeply empowering and supports the emotional well-being of ourselves and our children.
Firstly, there are holding actions, which are about holding back the ongoing damage. This may include getting involved in protests about the way things are, raising awareness, writing to MPs, having a voice, campaigning (e.g., for plastic reduction or clean air).
The second is about systems and practices; doing things together in a different, more sustainable way (local gardening schemes, community projects, repair cafes, zero waste shopping, tool sharing, holidaying locally, reducing meat consumption, and so many more).
The third is a shift in consciousness; reprioritising our values, fine tuning how we are together, questioning what constitutes a status symbol, talking about it with friends, and making it normal to talk about and care for the natural world on which we are so dependent and connected.
In a world where values have become skewed around what we consume, how much stuff we have, instant individual gratification, getting ahead, growth for growth’s sake – how about noticing how these crop up in our own lives, noticing what messages we inadvertently pass onto our children about what constitutes ‘success’.
Let’s come back to those times when you felt contented as a child. No matter what your background is, the chances are it involved some kind of connection with another person, a feeling of safety and warmth, or something to do with nature. It probably wasn’t to do with feeling richer, more successful or better than everyone else.
Even if material things were part of that moment, I would guess that behind that warm feeling was either the idea that you had been thought about and valued, or a feeling you were part of something.
Looking back and thinking forward
Thinking back to a simpler time in our own lives gives us clues as to how to help our children. They love connection with you, no matter their age! Examine the intricacies of the pattern on a leaf, spend a moment watching insects, talk about the balance of everything, help your child make the connection between this and that in nature. Point out the beauty of the autumn leaves or an evening sky on a walk or drive. And above all listen to them, help them to name their feelings and teach them to say a heartfelt sorry.
What the next evolution of humanity really needs is leaders who are connected to what it feels like to live in a world which is ecologically on its knees, i.e. who are emotionally literate. These future leaders are having their childhoods now. As well as being active, connected citizens ourselves, our role is to support their emotional health now and in doing so we will equip them for a world we can scarcely imagine.
