Category: Physical and emotional health

  • Back to school: five questions UK parents are asking

    Back to school: five questions UK parents are asking

    From starting Reception and moving up to secondary school to SEND and growing independence, we explore five familiar back-to-school worries through a relationship-focused lens.

    As the start of the school term draws closer, uniforms are being prepared, pencil cases filled and lunchboxes found.

    For some families, September means returning for a new school year. For others, it means starting primary or secondary school for the first time.

    Back-to-school worries can be a normal part of preparing for change. Parents and carers may feel worried, anxious, uncertain or overwhelmed too. You are not alone. Throughout August, parents and carers across the UK have been sharing many of the same concerns on social media.

    Five questions that have come up regularly:

    1. Is my child ready to start school, and how do I manage my own worries about it?
    2. How do I know when my child is ready for more independence at secondary school?
    3. What if my child with additional needs copes well at home but finds school overwhelming?
    4. Is it normal to feel sad or emotional as my child moves into a new stage?
    5. How can I support the move back to school without putting more pressure on myself or my child? 

    Finding a back-to-school rhythm

    Although it might feel early, the final weeks of the holidays can be a useful time to ease back into familiar rhythms and make space for any worries. This could mean gradually bringing bedtime forward, getting used to earlier mornings, practising the journey to a new school or trying out a new morning routine.

    Becoming familiar with a new routine or expectation before term starts can help make September feel a little more predictable and take away some of the pressure.

    Starting primary school

    Starting primary school is a big change for four-year-olds. They may feel excited while also worrying about being apart from you, new routines or what will happen next. At this age, children are still only just beginning to develop the language they need to explain unfamiliar or complex feelings.

    You might try: 

    • Role playing ‘schools’ together
    • Practising the journey to school
    • Look at photos of the school or classroom
    • Talk through drop-off, lunchtime and home time
    • Let questions and feelings come up naturally

    For children returning to the same school, a new teacher, classroom or friendship group can still change how familiar school feels. Giving your child space to tell you what feels different can help you understand where they may need a little more support. When you simply listen, and acknowledge big feelings, it can make a huge difference, so why not try saying something like ‘I know, it’s really hard to imagine what it is going to feel like being there, I understand why you are feeling…. worried/ nervous/ excited’ and see what happens.

    Starting school can stir up feelings for you too, and your worries may not be the same as your child’s. Talking through your own feelings with another adult can leave more emotional space to listen, stay curious and support your child through the change.

    Starting secondary school

    As children move towards adolescence, friendships, belonging and how they are seen by others can carry more weight. Secondary school brings new peer groups, teachers and expectations at the same time as young people begin to seek more independence. Fitting in, finding their place and managing unfamiliar situations may therefore matter just as much as getting to lessons or remembering equipment.

    As independence grows, your role may begin to shift from doing things for your child to being alongside them while they work things out. Giving them room to try, make decisions and solve problems can build confidence, while relationships at home remain just as important. Knowing there is a familiar, safe space to return to, where they can talk, unwind or simply be themselves, can provide connection and reassurance as more of their world begins to happen away from home.

    Small opportunities to practise independence before term starts, such as planning the journey, organising what they need or agreeing when they will check in with you, can give them experience while knowing you are still there.

    Moving into a new year can also bring different teachers, subjects, friendships and expectations. As young people take on more responsibility, staying interested in how school feels for them, while allowing them more say in how they manage it, can support both growing independence and connection.

    Moving up to secondary school with additional considerations

    If your child managed well in primary school but finds secondary school harder, this may tell you more about the demands around them than their ability. 

    What they can manage can also change from day to day. One way of understanding this is through the ‘window of tolerance’, the space where feelings are manageable enough for us to think clearly. As sensory, social and emotional demands build, this space can narrow. 

    Something manageable yesterday may therefore feel overwhelming today. Looking at what is taking the most energy, rather than focusing on a single difficult day, can help you understand what support may be useful. 

    When moving up feels emotional for you too

    Pride, relief, worry and sadness can all sit alongside each other as your child moves into a new stage. The transition may also bring back feelings about your own experiences of school. Recognising what belongs to your experience can make it easier to stay curious about what this change means for your child.

    You do not need to prepare for every possibility. Giving yourself some space to process what you are feeling can make it easier to think about what needs attention now, what your child can work out for themselves and where support from school might help.

    Your relationship does not become less important as your child becomes more independent. It can remain a familiar place to return to as their world expands.

    More support for moving up When moving up feels emotional for you too

    If this transition has raised questions about emotional development, behaviour or relationships, Understanding your child: from toddler to teenager and Understanding your child with additional needs offer reflective online learning for parents and carers.  

    Use our free access checker to see whether you have funded access in your area. 

    For this transition specifically, Moving up to secondary school for children with additional needs is free to UK residents, while Understanding your child in a changing world is free for UK residents throughout 2026.  

  • Summer holidays: five questions UK parents asked throughout July  

    Summer holidays: five questions UK parents asked throughout July  

    From screen time and summer routines to keeping children entertained without spending a fortune, we explore five familiar school holiday questions through a relationship-focused lens

    Six weeks without school can mean more time together, but it can also mean higher costs, less routine and long days to fill. Throughout July, parents on social media shared questions many families will recognise:

    1. Do I need to keep the children busy every day? 
    2. How can we keep some routine without planning every hour? 
    3. Is it normal to dread the summer holidays? 
    4. How can we make the holidays feel special without spending a fortune?  
    5. How do we protect family time when screens take over?  

    Behind these questions are familiar pressures: money, changing routines and the feeling that every day should be memorable. 

    School holidays can be enjoyable, but they can also feel expensive, tiring and relentless.  

    Feeling overwhelmed does not mean you are doing anything wrong.  

    Psychologists sometimes describe a ‘window of tolerance’, the space where feelings are manageable enough for us to think clearly. Tiredness, worry and too many demands can push us beyond it, making patience and conflicting priorities harder to manage.  

    If you notice your head feeling full, giving yourself a little space to pause, process or talk things through can help restore your capacity to think. That extra emotional space can make difficult family moments feel more manageable and make it easier to reconnect afterwards. 

    Making memories without spending a fortune

    Days out, holiday clubs, travel and extra food can quickly add up. When budgets are already stretched, the pressure to create an exciting summer can feel even greater.  

    Psychology says your relationship with your child or young person is what helps them thrive, not the activities themselves. Activities can simply be the vehicle, providing a helpful context for your relationship to develop through shared experiences, conversation and connection.     

    Your relationship with your child at the heart  

    A good day does not need a big budget. Families could: 

    • Search local council websites for holiday activities 
    • Check libraries, museums, parks and community venues for free events 
    • Explore local nature trails, community farms and donation-based activities 
    • Join the free Summer Reading Challenge through a library or online.  

    The RSPB also shares simple activities families can try together, from spotting wildlife and going on a minibeast hunt to making a bird bath or creating a home for nature. Find out more by visiting the RSPB website, here. 

    The Merlin Bird ID app can add a sense of discovery to a walk or time in the garden. Families can use it together to identify birds by their songs, calls or appearance, helping children notice and learn more about the nature around them. It is available from the App Store and Google Play. 

    The pressure to create a memorable summer can become another emotional demand. Connection often grows through ordinary shared experiences, not how much has been planned or spent. Choosing something that feels manageable for you too can leave more space for conversation, enjoyment and being together. Taking some pressure off the activity can often give the relationship more room.  

    Finding a holiday rhythm

    Without school runs, lessons and clubs, the usual shape of the week can disappear. Some children enjoy the freedom, while others may feel unsettled when they do not know what is happening next. 

    A holiday routine does not need to cover every hour. A few familiar points in the day may be enough, such as: 

    • Getting dressed and starting the day at a similar time
    • Regular meals and snacks
    • Time outside or moving around
    • A recognisable bedtime routine

    Predictability can reduce uncertainty for parents and carers too. If your children are old enough not to need childcare and you are working from home, it is still good to hold them in mind by building in a couple of check-in points in the day. These few familiar moments can reduce some of the mental load, making interruptions easier to cope with and helping the day feel steadier for everyone. 

    Filling the days without filling every minute

    Feeling responsible for keeping everyone entertained can be exhausting. There can be pressure to make every day special. However, children do not need six weeks of trips, crafts and carefully planned activities. 

    Simple moments together might include: 

    • Taking lunch to the park
    • Cooking or baking together 
    • Creating a photo, nature or bird spotting challenge 
    • Letting children choose between two simple activities 

    A simple choice can help children feel involved while keeping decisions manageable for parents and carers. 

    Relationships are a two-way process. In psychology, reciprocity describes the back-and-forth where both people have a part in shaping an interaction. It is really beneficial to infants, children and teenagers when parents create space in the interaction for their child to take their turn, offer their ideas, and influence the decisions and conversations.  Offering a small choice within a wider structure can give children a sense of agency to contribute, and they will likely feel that you value their opinions and what matters to them. 

    When the holidays feel difficult

    The holidays do not need to be packed or picture-perfect. Small plans, familiar routines and ordinary moments together can help family life feel lighter, calmer and more connected. 

    More time together can bring more big feelings and potential disagreements. When behaviour feels difficult, pausing to consider what may be happening underneath can help. Tiredness, boredom, disappointment or a need for closeness can all shape behaviour.  

    Togetherness pathways give parents and carers a reflective space to build understanding of children’s emotional development and behaviour, unpack some of the ideas mentioned in this article and explore practical ideas that can help strengthen relationships in everyday family life.  

    Parents, carers and professionals can use our free access checker to explore Togetherness pathways available in their area.  

  • Children’s mental health report highlights the need for early support 

    Children’s mental health report highlights the need for early support 

    Togetherness responds to the latest report from the Children’s Commissioner on children’s mental health services

    More than one million children in England had open referrals to children’s mental health services in 2024-25, according to the latest report from the Children’s Commissioner. 

    The report found:

    • Around one in 10 children in England had an open referral
    • Referrals have almost doubled since 2018-19
    • More than 60,000 children had waited longer than two years for treatment

    At Togetherness, we share the concern behind these findings.

    Behind the numbers are children and young people trying to make sense of their feelings, friendships, school life and the world around them. There are also parents and carers waiting, worrying and wondering what to do next.

    Looking beneath the surface

    Children and parents are navigating challenges that can feel very different from the past.

    Online life, social media, school pressure, family stress, friendships and wider worries in the world can all shape how children feel and behave. Many of these pressures are fast-changing. This can make it hard for parents and carers to know how best to respond.

    The report shows growing need for children’s mental health services. Referrals rose most for suspected autism, other development needs and anxiety.

    Where the reason was known, anxiety was the most common reason children were referred. Children referred with suspected autism or other development needs were also among those most likely to still be waiting at the end of the year.

    What the report foundWhy it matters
    Children still waiting had a median wait of 224 days.Families can spend months unsure what help will come next.
    More than 60,000 children had waited longer than two years.Two years is a long time in a child’s life, relationships and development.
    Children referred with suspected autism, who received treatment, had a median wait of one year.This shows the added challenge for children with autism or other development needs.

    These are difficult numbers to sit with.

    Every child and family will have their own story. But the message is clear. Children’s emotional health develops in  many contexts. Home. School. Friends. Community. Support. The world around them.  

    Why relationships matter

    We welcome national work on mental health that places a strong focus on prevention, awareness and support for parents. This support needs to begin before birth and continue throughout childhood.

    Policy makers and practitioners are also increasingly recognising the role of early relationships in shaping children’s mental health.

    This links closely with the Solihull Approach model, which is at the heart of Togetherness. The model helps us think about emotional health through relationships. It also helps us think about what a child may be showing through their feelings, behaviour and communication.

    A strong relationship with a parent, carer or trusted adult can help children feel safe, understood and less alone. Small moments of connection can build trust, confidence and wellbeing over time.

    This does not replace specialist mental health care. Some children need diagnosis, treatment and clinical support. Timely access to these services is vital.

    But the report also reminds us why early, relationship-based support matters.

    Support for parents and carers

    At a time when more children and families are waiting for support, Togetherness offers a gentle place to begin.

    Our immediately available, online learning pathways help parents, carers and grandparents learn about children’s feelings, behaviour, development and relationships at different ages and stages.

    They offer practical ideas and space to reflect. They help families think about what may be happening beneath the surface and how everyday connection can support emotional wellbeing.

    For parents and carers: explore Togetherness pathways to find practical support that fits your family, your child and where you are in your parenting journey.

    For professionals: Togetherness training for professionals, built around the Solihull Approach model, to support work with families and communities.

  • Managing parent anxiety

    You’re a parent and you feel anxious? 

    Anxiety is a normal response to many situations. Over thousands of years it has given us as human beings an edge in surviving. It can be helpful, especially if we are an actor or a sports person and we have to perform. Anxiety gets us ready to act.  

    However, when our anxiety level is too high then it can have a negative impact on our lives.     

    If you’ve done our pathway ‘Understanding your child: from toddler to teenager’ you’ll know that it’s important to have a space in your head for your children, which can be hard if your head is full of worries and anxiety. 

    Often there are unprocessed feelings causing anxiety. Sometimes it’s possible to think through these on our own, but often it helps to talk to someone who is good at listening to process them.  

    There are lots of reasons why you might feel anxious as a parent. Some might have nothing to do with being a parent, but others might be because being a parent is life changing. There are suddenly a lot more responsibilities, big changes in your lifestyle, changes in your relationship, uncertainty about what to do in the many different situations you are now faced with. It’s hard sometimes to feel confident about muddling through the challenges of every day. 

    There are lots of ways to downregulate, or calm yourself down, from taking a few deep breaths to yoga to walking. You’ll have ways to slow yourself down.  

    Other helpful tools

    • Most of the population have experienced trauma, especially from loved ones dying or falling ill. Unresolved trauma can cause anxiety. If you’d like to think about this some more then you could try the Togetherness pathway ‘Understanding your own trauma’.  
    • If the changes in your relationship are causing anxiety, you could try the Togetherness pathway ‘Understanding your relationships’.  
    • The website from MIND may be helpful.
    • Your GP may be able to signpost you to further help if you feel that you need it.
    Image of the author: Dr. Hazel Douglas MBE

    Dr Hazel Douglas MBE

    Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Child Psychotherapist, Togetherness Director

  • How can I support my child with anxiety?

    Dad giving daughter a hug

    Some anxiety every now and then is a normal part of life. However, there are times when anxiety is getting in the way of your child living their life and experiencing the world.  

    So, you’ve noticed that your child is feeling anxious. Noticing is the first and very important step in supporting your child! 

    Thinking is next. What is going on with your child? In our Togetherness pathway, ‘Understanding your child: from toddler to teenager’, we introduce the idea of three key questions to help with this. They are:

    1. What is the exact age and developmental stage of your child?

    Think about what they are doing at the moment? What are their challenges?  

    2. What changes have taken place in your lives recently?

    Think about all recent changes, no matter how big or small. Your teenage daughter may be breaking up with her boyfriend/girlfriend or fallen out with a friend. 

    3. How well can your child communicate their needs to you?

    Is it obvious when your child is feeling sad, angry or frustrated, or do you need to look more closely to spot signs of certain emotions?

    Then what are you going to say or do? This is a difficult one to answer, because it depends on what you think is going on. If your child is ready to talk about what they are feeling you can make sure that they know you have time to listen. Then you could show that you are interested by saying something like ‘I think you’re looking anxious’. They may be able to talk a bit about their anxiety. They may be able to talk about how they feel.  

    There are also practical things your child can do to try and calm down their anxiety while you all try and understand what they are feeling. Breathing exercises are popular. Slow breathing down. Breathe in slowly, hold for a few seconds and breathe out slowly. A quick way to calm down. Then it’s easier to think about what’s bothering them.    

    If your child is neurodivergent you may need to think carefully about why they feel overwhelmed and what might help.  

    If working together with your child isn’t enough, then you may need to get additional help. Your GP may be able to recommend someone or their school may be able to help.

    Dr Hazel Douglas MBE

    Clinical Psychologist and Child Psychotherapist, Togetherness Director

  • Navigating parental decisions: vaccinations and other health choices

    Parenting is a journey filled with big and small decisions every day. From choosing the right school to what to feed them and how to keep them safe and well, each choice shapes your child’s future in some way. So it’s easy to be overwhelmed or feel anxious. One of the most common areas of difficulty for parents is the uncertainty of health-related decisions: deciding to vaccinate your child is a decision all parents face and for some, more complicated health decisions need taking too.  

    It’s normal to feel a sense of anxiety when facing such pivotal choices. In a world flooded with information, sometimes these emotions can feel overwhelming and we all know that making decisions under pressure is hard. So how then can you make confident decisions in the best interests of your child and family? 

    When you think about making decisions about health, it can be helpful to use the following guide; designed to help you recognise your own feelings and make the right decisions for you with confidence. 

    1. INFORM: Accessing accurate information

    Begin by gathering reliable information from reputable sources. Consult health professionals, whether it’s a Health Visitor, School nurse, or GP, and explore official NHS or professional health websites, and read scientific studies. Be cautious of misinformation on social media and look for evidence-based resources which have been published in reputable sources such as research journals or professional institutes. Look behind the headline as the facts may be very different.

    2. TALK: Engage in open conversations

    Talk to other parents, family members, and friends who have faced similar decisions. Share your concerns and listen to their experiences. This exchange of perspectives can offer valuable insights and help you feel more supported in your decision-making journey. Talking is also really important for understanding your own emotions and restoring your capacity to think clearly. But remember, we each might have our own opinion for our own reasons and that what suits one person may not be right for another or your family.

    3. ASK: Consult with healthcare professionals and experts

    Attend appointments with your child’s healthcare providers with prepared questions so you can check information you have found and fill in any gaps. Your child’s healthcare provider will be able to provide more personalised advice based on your child’s medical history and current health.

    4. THINK: Set out your options

    Once informed, you can work out the different options you might have, remembering that not acting is also an available choice. Not taking action has consequences like your other options, so for decisions like vaccination, understanding the risks associated with preventable diseases can provide a clearer perspective.

    5. TRUST: Trust your instincts and validate them

    Parental instincts are powerful and they are developed over time as you get to know and understand your child, but it’s essential to validate them with factual information. Trust your gut feelings, but ensure they align with the evidence and guidance provided by healthcare professionals. This balance and finding a way to make sense of the information you are receiving without being overwhelmed by it will allow you to make decisions with confidence.

    Parenting is a journey filled with uncertainty and making decisions that impact your child’s health can be particularly challenging. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey and informed decisions lead to a healthier, happier future for your family. 

    Mary Rheeston

    Health Visitor, Togetherness Manager

  • Five things to protect your mental health

    World Mental Health Day 2025 – Five things to protect your mental health whatever you’re going through

    We all have mental health to look after in the same way as caring for our physical health. Here are our five ways of protecting your mental health.

    1. Talking about it

    Talking about feelings can help make sense of them. Keeping feelings quiet or hidden may lead to them becoming overwhelming.

    2. Listening to feelings

    Being curious about where they come from can help process and manage the bigger, more difficult ones.

    3. Breathing slowly

    Increasing the oxygen to your brain can help bring your emotions into a range you can tolerate better.

    4. Engage in learning

    Find out about trauma, anxiety and other areas of mental health so that you can look out for signs and understand your mental health. Take a look at our Pathways Library to support your growth.

    5. Finding your togetherness

    Connecting in relationships that make you feel heard takes care of your emotional health.

    Togetherness is here for universal, preventative mental health awareness. We hope to support everyone to learn skills for lifelong emotional wellbeing which will help protect mental health. Find out more about what we do to support everyone to thrive here.

    Togetherness Team

  • Positive co-parenting: Handling conflict when you’re no longer with your children’s other parent

    Even if you’re no longer together, positive co-parenting is important for children and their longer-term wellbeing. Clinical Psychologist and Child Psychotherapist, Dr Hazel Douglas MBE, shares her thoughts on resolving conflict when you live separately. 

    Separation is never easy—especially when children are involved.  Co-parenting after a breakup can stir up deep emotions for everyone involved. But the importance of being able to work together to parent your children remains paramount and will help nurture their emotional health as they grow into adulthood. Despite it being hard, it is possible to co-parent positively, even in the face of big feelings. From my experience working with families, I’ve put together some thoughts which you may find helpful when beginning your journey into co-parenting.

    1. Understanding your own emotional health

    Before anything, it’s vital to check in with yourself. Experiencing conflict with a former partner can easily trigger all sorts of big feelings, including anger, sadness, grief or guilt. Don’t underestimate these big feelings and their impact on your emotional health. The key is to process these feelings in a healthy way.

    This is where finding a trusted adult is important, someone who can provide a containing experience that will help restore your capacity to think. This may be one of your adult friends, a family member, a therapist or counsellor. Someone who you feel comfortable sharing how you are feeling with, who can feed back in manageable chunks what you have shared. This process of containment can help you see that, ‘If someone else understands my worry then it must be understandable. If it is understandable then I can begin to understand it and maybe manage it myself’. Which is a really positive place to approach co-parenting from.

    However, it’s important not to place this responsibility on your child, even if they seem mature or curious. Children are not equipped to process adult relationship issues, and expecting them to ‘contain’ your pain, consciously or not, can blur parental-child boundaries and could lead to increasing their anxiety.

    Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup! So being well supported by a network of friends and family to process your own feelings can help you be more resilient and compassionate for your child.

    However, even if you personally feel devastated and even if it’s difficult, it’s important to keep a space in your mind for being a parent.

    2. Restoring communication

    Sometimes, co-parenting starts from a place where no communication is present or even seems possible.  You are likely to have many issues with each other. But you are both still parents to your children. You may have lost your relationship as a couple, with all the feelings that will involve, but you are still co-parents. So, in the midst of very strong feelings, how can you both manage to communicate with each other so that you can parent your children? Here are a few practical suggestions for opening up communication:

    • Avoid the temptation to blame, use sarcasm or language that could have double meanings when speaking or texting. Instead, neutral, clear language can help communication remain practical without stirring emotions.
    • Don’t focus on the history between you. Instead, try to keep communication about practical topics. For example, schedules, needs and logistics about picking up children from school or who they’re staying with on which weekend.
    • Sometimes ad-hoc communication can cause further difficulties. Instead, try to agree on a set day and time you check in with each other over the phone or text, which can help you both avoid those unexpected flare-ups.
    • Don’t leave communication to chance. Instead, try to agree early on about key routines, such as who has the child when, how holidays are handled, and how you’ll communicate with schools or doctors. Writing these down can also prevent misunderstandings in the future.

    In situations where emotions feel strong, you may find it helpful to ask yourself: ‘What’s best for my child right now?’. This can help reframe the situation back to the goal both you and your former partner want.

    3. Seeing it from your child’s perspective

    Whilst you may still be processing the separation yourself, it can be helpful to imagine how your child might be feeling.  The age and stage of your children will impact where they are in their emotional development, however, it is common for children to internalise conflict, even if it’s not spoken aloud. Some children report that they feel they are to blame or are torn between loyalty to both parents. For your child, whatever their age, big feelings like sadness, grief or anger can be difficult for them to process without a connected, safe relationship with a trusted adult.

    Some practical ideas might look like:

    • Helping them name their feelings: Talk to your child about how they might be feeling. For example, saying ‘I wonder if you feel sad?’. Even if you get the feeling wrong, it provides a scaffold to help them process and understand the difference between emotions.
    • Reassuring them: Reminding your child that the separation was not their fault is crucial. It is important to also remind them that they are still deeply loved by both of you.
    • Keeping routines consistent: Children respond well to consistent and predictable routines, which help create feelings of safety. Try to implement the same routine across both homes to increase that sense of stability.

    Ultimately, it is helpful to remember that your child doesn’t need you to be perfect—they need you to be present.

    4. Supporting your child when you feel fragile

    You don’t have to hide your emotions, but you do need to manage them thoughtfully. Children benefit from seeing their parents cope in healthy ways. For example, it’s okay to say ‘I’m feeling a bit sad today, but I’m okay, and I know things will get better’ models emotional resilience. You name your feelings, modelling how they can do the same.

    Other ways to support your child can include:

    • Creating space for connection: You can find simple ways to bond and strengthen your relationship, like bedtime stories, walks or cooking your favourite meal together.
    • Take care of yourself: As I have mentioned before, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Ensuring your own emotional health and emotional needs are being met through therapy, support groups, or friends and family is a massive win. It also helps you be emotionally available for your child when they need it.
    • Use external supports: It doesn’t have to rest solely on you. For example, your child’s school may have school counsellors they can talk to when things feel overwhelming.

    5. Where to turn for support

    You don’t have to navigate co-parenting alone. There are many charities and services that support separated families:

    • Gingerbread: offers resources and support for single parents, including legal advice and community forums.
    • Family Lives: provides a helpline and online resources for parents managing separation and co-parenting.
    • Relate: offers family counselling and mediation services to improve communication between separated partners.
    • OnePlusOne: resources for separated parents, focusing on conflict resolution and effective communication.
    • YoungMinds: supports the mental health of children and offers advice for parents worried about their child’s wellbeing.

    Final thought

    Positive co-parenting doesn’t mean you have to erase the past or be best friends with your former partner. It means showing up—for your child, for yourself—with kindness, structure, and emotional awareness. Your child is watching, learning how to handle conflict, love, and resilience, which I know can feel like a worrying thing! Don’t hold yourself back by thinking about all the what ifs. Instead, make the best decision for your children and family, with the information you have available at the time. By taking care of your own wellbeing and committing to peaceful co-parenting, you’re setting them up to thrive as adults.

    Image of the author: Dr. Hazel Douglas MBE

    Dr Hazel Douglas MBE

    Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Child Psychotherapist, Togetherness Director

  • Healthier ways to argue: When you need to rock the boat

    When two people live together, they must navigate their individual needs on the back of different histories, expectations and family cultures. It may go smoothly most of the time, but it is normal to hit bumps in the road, unless you are both so accommodating of each other that you never put your own needs forward!

    How would you describe those moments of asserting yourself that, despite best intentions, always seem to result in falling out with your partner? Is it an argument? Having a row? A disagreement? Bickering? A shouting match? Maybe a squabble? How incredible that the English language has so many words to describe a rupture in a close relationship! Some terms may feel relatable; others may trigger a sharper reaction.

    Often, the topics which may cause disagreements can feel tricky to talk about. These might be sensitive issues that we have a particular view on or strongly believe in, which, when expressing our true feelings, can leave us feeling vulnerable as we wait to hear our partner’s own thoughts. Perhaps some of these topics could include:

    • How you both handle finances
    • Distribution of household chores (including what exactly constitutes as ‘clean’)
    • Your joint relationship with parents and in-laws
    • Family planning and thoughts around the bedroom (including how often!)
    • Childcare practices
    • How you spend your evenings as a family
    • Political or religious views
    • How much time apart is good for you both, doing separate activities or hobbies

    Talking about these topics is really important, especially if they are issues that are playing on your mind. The option of ignoring them can be tempting. But not addressing them means not expressing your own needs and values, and this can cause resentment, miscommunication and misunderstanding further down the road.

    “ How do I know when it’s the best time to raise how I’m feeling? What if they don’t see my point of view? What if I end up feeling worse than I did before the conversation?

    These ‘what ifs’ can have a big impact on how we feel before talking about sensitive topics. And whilst we cannot promise that you will feel better or that everything will be instantly fixed after one conversation, we do have some suggestions to support you to approach these conversations together as a team – supporting one another in a close, connected relationship that builds your relationship rather than tear it down…

    1. Take turns

    It may sound really simple, but when we feel passionate about something, it can be hard to stop and allow the other person space to talk, and finish what they are saying. Some couples find it helpful to set time aside for specific conversations and to use a timer to make sure turns are equal. Or they may pass an object between them to signify whose turn it is to talk. Actually, just having the concept of handing over to the other person and being careful to maintain a back-and-forth pattern can help structure these more difficult discussions.

    2. Learn to appreciate your differences

    You and your partner will likely bring different family cultures, expectations and ways of dealing with conflict to your relationship. Appreciating and understanding that the way you react in certain circumstances is influenced by your past experiences can help bring understanding in those moments when you feel like going head-to-head.

    3. Listen to understand, rather than to respond

    You may have a point you want to get across, but taking a step back to really listen is an essential relationship skill that we especially draw on when conflict is bubbling up. Proper listening may involve the process of containment. That is, attending to the other person’s words and body language, tuning into their experience, maybe even feeling some of what they are feeling within yourself, and feeding back what they’ve said to you to show you ‘get it’. It’s about having genuine curiosity to understand how the other person is feeling, to see things from their perspective (even though it can feel hard to at points!). This can help give you that helicopter view of what you’re discussing.

    4. Asserting your needs

    There are ways of saying what you need without putting the other person on the defensive. Being assertive is important, but the skill is in being assertive without being aggressive. They are very different things. You could try saying ‘when x… I feel y…’ instead of ‘you make me feel….’. For example, ‘when you leave the decisions up to me, I feel a bit alone and overwhelmed’ instead of ‘why do I have to do everything around here’. Or ‘When you raise your voice, I feel like you don’t respect my view’ rather than ‘Don’t you shout at me’.

    Then, you can introduce the picture of what you think would help, building on your understanding of the situation from both sides (see #3). What about saying ‘I understand that… it would be better for me if… Can we try…’

    5. Have compassion for them… and yourself

    We are all human. We all make mistakes or say things we regret, so it is important to have compassion and forgive one another. When talking about arguments, you may hear people talk about ‘rupture and repair’. All relationships will experience ruptures at one point or another. Repairing is an active choice when ruptures occur. It means saying sorry, acknowledging when you were harsh or unkind, or too quick to judgement, or so tired you shouted, and so on. Forgiving your partner comes from understanding what was behind their behaviour too, and of course letting them know you understand their ‘why’, even if you don’t like their ‘how’, can help re-establish your relationship equilibrium.

    Nobody is going to get it right every time, and becoming attuned to your partner takes practice. Approaching tough topics can be hard, but if you are able to work through them and repair the rupture – then your relationship becomes more resilient, because you know you can navigate these knottier issues. The next time you encounter a rupture, you can stand on past experience and know you can make it through tough times together.

    Dr Rebecca Johnson

    Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Togetherness Development Manager

  • Understanding anxiety

    Feelings of anxiety, worry or stress are common. At some point, everyone will experience these feelings to some degree – although the stressors may be different. Dr Hazel Douglas MBE, Clinical Psychologist and Child Psychotherapist, shares her insights on anxiety. She suggests how adults and parents can support themselves, as well as equipping their children with the life skills, to manage anxious feelings in a healthy way.

    Why anxiety isn’t always a bad thing

    Do you feel anxious sometimes? Well, that’s good because being anxious is being human. As human beings, we have lots of different feelings, anger, sadness, love, joy and anxiety. Being anxious has been with us for hundreds of thousands of years, and it’s given us an edge. Now, sometimes when it’s too much, it’s not helpful, but anxiety can often be our friend. Anxiety can help us feel more alert. So, if you’re going into an exam, it’s often helpful to feel a bit anxious. Not too much, but a bit anxious.

    Getting in the ‘zone’

    If you’ve sometimes felt that being anxious has been helpful, well, sports people would call that the ‘Zone of Optimal Functioning’. The Zone of Optimal Functioning is the sweet spot. Above that, you’re too anxious – it’ll affect your performance. Below that, if you’re not anxious enough – it will also affect your performance, which is why being a little bit anxious at exam time can be very helpful. And over the hundreds of thousands of years that we’ve been humans; anxiety has been our friend. It’s given us the edge. It’s helped us to survive. But the trick is to be in that middle bit; the Zone of Optimal Functioning.

    Skills to help you stay in the zone

    If you’re feeling a bit too anxious, how do you come down into the zone? Well, you’ve got two nervous systems, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous system. You want the parasympathetic system to work. And the way to get that into gear, in fact the quickest way to get it into gear, is to slow down your breathing. A simple exercise can be to count slowly in and count slowly out again. That is the quickest way to just calm yourself down. There’s lots of other ways to calm down your parasympathetic nervous system, for example you can use exercises that help you to focus on deliberately relaxing your muscles. But slow, deliberate breathing is the quickest. So, if you’re going into an exam and you feel that you’re too anxious, this can bring you down a bit, but remember, you do not want to be too calm. 

    Dr Hazel Douglas MBE

    Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Child Psychotherapist, Togetherness Founder